Thursday, October 7, 2010

TheTen Commandments of Being a Man

The Ten Commandments of Being a Man

This guest post goes out to you, MAN who reads MollieinSeattle. You might be asking yourself, where is Mollie? Why is a dude filling in for her? Why is the sky blue? How will I know what mascara to wear? (I don’t judge.) I am writing to you directly as a matter of imperative significance. It has come to my attention that many of you have either failed to learn, or have simply forgotten the proper way to treat a woman. Come on fella’s, chivalry is not dead, and its time one of us stood up like Moses, and tried to shepherd the mindless masses of men back to a time when men were men and women swooned. As opposed to what women probably do when you take them out…fake a headache. Ringing any bells? 

Gentlemen, treating a woman like the epitome of beauty that she is, is not a difficult task, and trust me when I say, there are certain shall I say positive rewards for good behavior. Kind of like prison, but if you were/are in prison, you probably need a little more help than an article on chivalry. Or maybe you can use these lessons to woo your cellmate. Like I said earlier, I don’t judge. 

As a man, much like you, I am lazy, and therefore I am going to write my “Ten Commandments of Being a Man” in a handy dandy list format…it worked for God, it’ll work for me. Feel free to print this out and put in your wallet, trust me, you will thank me later. Without further adieu…

1.She is your girl, you should have no girl but her 
Seriously this is important. When you are on a date with a girl, she should be the only girl that matters. This is immeasurably more important if you are dating or married to said girl. Do not text another girl, do not talk to another girl, and no hitting on the waitress. There is no other girl but her when you are out with her. 

2. Do not worship technological idols 
 
Put your iPhone, iPod, iPad, laptop, Blackberry and any other piece of technological idolatry away. Do you really need to check your fantasy football team while eating lunch? Trust me bro, she does not care how many points Aaron Rogers is putting up, no matter how interested she may appear. 

3. Do not take the word woman in vain
Never use the words: bitch, slut, tramp, especially the “C” word, or any other derogatory word about a woman around your woman. A true gentleman does not use these words to begin with, but I am not writing this for a true gentleman, I am writing this for you. Included in this commandment, never call your woman by another woman’s name. Honestly, it is the equivalent of using any of the words found on the list above, but probably a million times harsher. (Well maybe not as bad as the “C” word…trust me guys, they HATE that word.)

4. Remember key dates, get off your lazy ass and do something on them
Women remember everything, and you better believe that even if they do not act like it, it is a big deal that you forgot about the day you first met, trust me, they care. This is not an impossible task guys. Remember her birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day…heck some of you may need help remembering New Year's Eve. There is no excuse…there is an app for that. 

5. Honor her Father and Mother
This should seem pretty self explanatory, but for those of you who choose to move at a more glacial pace, this means to treat her parents with the upmost respect. A daughter is the most precious thing in the world to a father (Hell, John Mayer wrote a freaking song about it, if you haven’t heard it, ask to borrow your girlfriend’s iPod.) How a man treats his girlfriend’s mother will tell the girlfriend a lot about your character as a person. Remember, these are the people who raised her, the people who think she is infallible, and the people who definitely do not want their little girl going out with anyone that remotely resembles a douchebag. Sir and Ma’am, Mr/Mrs., will go a long way at securing a happy relationship with your girlfriend. 

6. Thou shalt not murder her friendships 
A girl needs girl time. Never bad mouth her friends, or try to keep her away from them. You will come to find that befriending her friends will become much more advantageous to you than trashing them. A girl’s circle of friends is similar to a go to therapist if you will, believe me when I say, it will be much better for you when you screw up (trust me, you will, you are a man) if her friends have issued upon you their stamp of approval. 

7. Thou SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY!
For those of you who were in the remedial class, this means DO NOT CHEAT! Don’t even think about it. 

8. Thou shalt not steal 
Part of being a man is having a bank account, a job, a car, an apartment/house. If you do not, then you probably should not be dating to begin with. (Seriously, get off your ass and find a job). It is sad that I even have to tell you this, but do not take stuff from your girlfriend. Be a man, pay for dinner, do not drive around in her car, and do not take advantage of her apartment so that you can get out of your Mom’s basement, basically, grow up. 

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your girlfriend
Want to know the quickest way to Dumpsville? Lie to your girlfriend. It does not matter if it is a small lie like, “I am sorry I am late baby, I stopped by the bank on the way home.” When you actually went to your buddy’s house to play a game of Madden. Or a BIG lie like, “I swear I have no idea how those panties ended up in my laundry.” (We already went over this with #7 btw.) To a woman, a lie is a lie, is a lie, and once you are a liar, you will always be a liar. The truth will set you free gentleman, and believe it or not, she will respect you more if you just own up to your shortcomings. 

10. Thou shalt not covet other people’s stuff
This may seem pretty small in comparison to everything else listed in this article but nothing turns off a woman faster than you whining about what you don’t have. Women want a man with ambition and a backbone…sitting around complaining that so and so has this or that, is not going to garnish sympathy, it will garnish resentment. And more than likely end in your girlfriend running to find Mr. So And So. Man up, and take pride in what you have, be humble toward what others have, and show the ambition to achieve what you want. Your girlfriend does not want to hear you complain about your friend’s 60”LCD screen and NFL ticket on Direct TV, and whine about how you wish you had it.

Well there you have it gentleman, The Ten Commandments of Being a Man. Remember these are just guidelines, if you follow them, you will have a much happier and healthier relationship. Nothing I discussed is that hard to do. It will probably take you less time than checking your Facebook status, which seriously bro, at a certain point you should probably grow out of doing…but that’s another article. 

Michael is a real life chivalrous gentleman living and dating in Seattle. If you'd like to hear more of what Michael has to say follow him on Twitter @mllovelace

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